Toratora Bangbang

The only thing I hate about my new job is merely getting effin training allowance. I know that I’ll start receiving my regular salary by Wednesday but by gosh, my financial schedule has been ruined. I’m not even sure if the company’s offer will be worth living as a pauper for two weeks for. Both my visas are maxed out and I barely have enough dough to cover me until my next pay-out at the end of the month.

Sheesh. My professional life is on the rise while my personal life is threatening to collapse in shambles. I need a new pair of shoes.

I’m reacquainted with the wonders of Friendster. Ang galing. People I know will always know other people I know without knowing that they both know me. Haha. I know I could’ve said it better but I’d settle for the nosebleed-inducing way. Six degrees, beybeh. Six degrees.

Yun lang. Nothing interesting. Naaliw lang ako.

Oist mga taong matagal ko ng di nakikita or nakakausap, I miss you.

Relationship success isn’t magical nor mysterious. It’s a simple process — not easy but simple. If something makes sense to you, try it. If it doesn’t, discard it.

If there’s no sense in the whole relationship anymore, then you know what to do. Did I say it won’t be easy? Let me emphasize that it’s gonna be very difficult and it will hurt a lot. But it’s the only solution.

I’ve become so embarrassed of my thoughts and emotions that I can’t even blog it out anymore. Wawa naman me.

I hear you knocking at my door again

I’m wondering should I let you in

I open up the door and see the flowers for me so beautiful in your hands

You start begging me to take you back,

I’ve always been a sucker for romance

And before you know it I can see, you’re all over me

Oh no here I go again

Physically and emotionally, I do.

I
am in another one of those moments in my life when I can only pray to
God to put my pieces back together because I simply don’t have enough
strength to do so myself. You have shattered me so terribly like your
promises that I just know if I snapped out of this daze, I am bound to
self-destruct once more. Hold on to the denial, dear self, hold on. I will be okay.
Although… I have this evil feeling that the dark act of escape would
be salvation for me. It is in that exact moment when I am a slash on
the wrist away from my demise… when flashes of my life catapults down
on me… that exact moment that I realize I have been through worse and
nothing can bring me down if I don’t allow it. You were my life. Screw
you.

For the first time in six months, I am cried out dry and I
can only shake my head at the sudden turn of events for us. My hope of
ever ever making us work has flickered its last spark and in all its
finality, I shall be putting us to rest. Shame on you for fooling me
once and now, all the shame’s on me. My anger made me break a couple of
my fingers and with the persistent physical pain, I just know that this
is just about the breaking point that I so avoided. I fight with myself
whether I might have reacted in all exaggeration and superficiality. I
still want to save us. But every reason I have leads me back to the
fact that… you did what you did and perhaps I love you, hence, I
shall forgive you. But we could never be happy as we were because I
couldn’t forget even if I tried. I will live in paranoia and unease and
the mere idea of it excruciates me. This is it.

I spent the
whole day cooking up what to tell you in reply to all the fucking lies
that you seem to simply exhale. But all I can come up with is… Was it worth it???

————————–

I finally figured out the song you mentioned that Keisha Cole made famous… It’s I should have cheated. I can’t help not wishing I did.

See… When I get the strength to leave, you always tell me that you need me. And I’m weak coz I believe you. And I’m mad because I love you. So I stop and think that maybe you can learn to appreciate me. But it all remains the same that you ain’t never gonna change.

I can’t get this effin’ song outta my head for the past four days. Gadamet.

I have another scenario for you - I’m in love with you. I apologize for
the blunt delivery, but as problematic as this fact may be, I’m in
love… with YOU. I’m not feeling this because you’re leaving, and not
because it feels good to feel this way… which, by the way, it does,
or did before you went off like that. I can’t figure out the
mathematics of this, I just know I love you. I can’t believe how many
times I’m saying it! And I never thought I’d feel this way again, so
that’s pretty phenomenal… I know my package, perhaps in the light of day,
isn’t all that wonderful, but I finally know what I want and that, in
itself, is a miracle. And what I want is YOU.

— The Holiday

Unrequited love no more. I know I should realize that I am lucky that I have us and not many find such magic (even I myself didn’t think I would find it till you came along) and I must definitely stop throwing it away with every bump in the road. I know. But everytime I feel all vulnerable when my insides turn to mush, I grow afraid of losing you and it’s that fear itself that would make me lose you entirely. The paradox that is me. I don’t wanna lose you so I’m letting you go.

Ang tanga tanga ko. Di pa ren ako sanay na hindi nisasaktan eh. Sorry. ♥

I don’t like me when I’m angry. I’m bound to do something on impulse… something unsurprisingly stupid. I really need to take some anger management classes. Those breathing techniques don’t work anymore. Or maybe I should get me a prescription for those pills to keep me from bouncing off the walls everytime I snap. Haaay…

I’m not really in the mood to blog about magic and shit. But yeah, we’re still together.

I’m a sucky girlfriend. The reason I haven’t found Mr. Right yet is because I don’t want to find him. Everytime someone who is just right for me comes along, I always look for something wrong and I hold it against him. That’s just the way I will always be. I feel most alive when my heart is breaking.

Don’t bother changing for me coz I MYSELF would never change and we’ll only cause each other more pain if we stayed. I don’t deserve to be in a stable commited relationship. What we had is what you’ve always wanted and what I didn’t know I needed… yet all good things must come to an end. Eh.

Including Multiply. Fucker. Dito na lang muna makapagvent.

I got off the cab and felt the tears threatening to fall. Instead, I write.

What the hell. Whatever gave you the idea that he’s my pinakakamahal. Tangina. That’s the stupidest thing I’ve ever heard from you since you started saying hi to me. I really can’t do anything about your insecurities anymore, really. Coz honestly, I’ve said and done everything in the book to try to convince you that you’re beside me, in my arms… while he’s up there on a pedestal, merely an admired icon.

Guys and their egos are tough rocks to break. Everyday I tell you I love you and everyday I try to be a better woman only for you and it seems the story of Cain and Abel again. I run a mile and you crawl an inch and, oh wth, all is lost. Futile efforts better thrown into the wind. When will this vicious cycle of love and loss end?!

I am just sooo tired. Most days I just want to climb up the roofdeck and give in to vertigo. But I don’t wanna give up on you, on us, because I want to be different. I don’t want to be like the other girls who left you faster than you can say "Don’t leave me" when they met someone better. Only now do I realize that it’s just me being selfish and not wanting to be just another girl in your past. And perhaps it’s because I can see you do have potential to be who I want and need for the rest of my life.

You bore me. Your personality is bland as unripe tomatoes. Do we even have anything in common? Is there anything that you can offer for us to do that is new to me? We can’t simply spend the rest of our lives making out, farting and listening to mainstream radio. Not me. I’m a boho at heart. I need to try something new once every while.

Some girls are just not meant to be tamed. Some are just meant to run free… until they find someone to run with. I’ll forever hold your hand if you’ll run with me. IF.